I guess my invitation got lost in the mail
Fool me once...
I felt like someone had punched me in the face, or at least how I imagine that would feel, and I couldn't even stop myself from sounding so damn hopeful: sure I'd love to see you!

So now I'm in this awful place. I second guess everything. What I said and did, the way I looked, the way I walked away, his intentions, and most importantly I guess is that I am sitting here second guessing my own worth in this equation. I thought I wanted to have his friendship if my other option was nothing. Now it seems I cannot fathom why he'd want my friendship.

I feel like I might implode if he's gone again. Or if it turns out he didn't really come back for more than a nod and a smile.

Q&A with Me

I received this e-mail from a friend (in accordance with the by-laws of The Remorseless Blog, all names have been excluded):
Subject: a sensitive question

how's it going? **** and I got into a debate in which we thought you could help. I wanted to know if the term "Jew" is an acceptable identifier. I understand that it can be derogotory, and wanted to know if it is derogotory in every context. Should the word never be used?

Thanks,
********

Because I think others might have the same question, I'm posting my response:
Subject: Re: a sensitive question

**** is right. Gentiles are never ever ever ever allowed to use the word "jew"..."dirty jew" is okay, but the use of "jew" by itself is very offensive. Jesus Christ! no, kidding man. Um it all depends on the context. I still equate it with the word Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, or any other religious title. Of course if you use it in a negative manner, it can be offensive (i.e. "That jew" (while shifting eyes)).

Personally though, if I don't know the person saying it and there is even a hint of anti-semitism in the voice, I'll make a mental note that this person sucks. **** on the other hand is welcome to tell me all jews are going to hell because he already admitted that he wasn't chosen for heaven and if he's going there too, it can't be all that bad (not to mention that Jews don't believe in eternal hell in the first place).

And the only other thing to remember is that no intelligent conversation can begin with "The holocaust never happened" unless it is followed by (after shock of crowd) "what? I mean the one from Terminator 2. Skynet didn't become self-aware and attack in 1997. It's a fact"

Hope that helps. Feel free to ask me more. I'm not so sensitive...unless it comes to the ladies...then I'm very sensitive.

********

HA! I beat you to it. I said, "Have Fun" as you were on your way out before you could say, "have fun" to me. That is the stupidest fucking way to say goodbye ever.

Why was it necessary for you to put your belt on in the living room, standing in front of the television, hypnotized by a rerun of best week ever? Does the tv control you? I think it may. I think it may because you spend so much of your time seated in front of it, mesmerized by it, entranced by all the pretty colors coming out of it.

Also, just because I show the most passing of interests in the last two minutes of a football game, do not start narrating the events to me. I am not goddamned retarded. I can see that he will have to kick the ball very far. And then, I also see that he did not kick the ball very far in the correct direction. Nor do I need you to explain to me that the faces on the players of the other team were just, "in awe" of him missing this kick. No, I don't care that you like both teams equally. Also, I don't care period.

And why do you always wash your hair only in the shower, instead of actually showering? It cannot possibly take longer to stand under the water with your entire body than to stick your head under it. Maybe that is why your feet constantly stink. Whether you've picked up on the fact that we all know and hate your foot stink is not clear, but I can tell you I don't appreciate it one bit. You have six thousand lotions, why not find the smelliest one and douse your feet in it? Hmmmm??

Also, stop typing in all caps. Really, you like fairies? Faeries? I had no idea.

And and and and and

Just because you read somewhere that the average American Woman is a size 16, does not mean that is (A) true or (B) the standard of health against which you should compare all of your ideas and activities. You are not "small," you are "short."

That is all, for now.

Apparently I'm really not that significant.

i put my shirt back on to be appropriate. I've never had this much trouble with a non-girlfriend before. Wow. Blows my mind.

Also, I've learned that I fight like a therapist. I'm sure that's very aggravating. Flash forward to having a smart, strong-willed girl I care about and I see myself losing her because of this. (I look both ways with my eyes and kinda smile). I'm gonna get in some trouble...I think that's okay though.

I love how easy my shirt can come off.

Ingrown Makeup

I have two pimples by my left eye and they actually look kinda cool. I'm not gonna pop them.

Last night I had a horrible nightmare. I was sleeping in a yard with tons of huge trees, it was beautiful, but a storm came then it was terrifying. The trees starting coming down, one by one, there was no time for me to stand up and I fought with the wind as I rolled away from crashing trees, one by one, narrowly missing being crushed.

All that time I was screaming for my sister, who was in the house whose yard it was, to stay inside. When the wind stopped it was sunny and beautiful and eery and I ran to the house, only it had been completely swept away. There was not even rubble to dig through to find her. I screamed and screamed but nothing came out, but then she was there, thrown into a pile of trees, bruised and battered, but I could tell she was in a lot of pain, and blood was leaking out a hole in her back. More blood than I ever imagined could even be in one person.

I woke up, then, but I knew she was dying in that dream and it shook me. I eventually drifted off to sleep and I woke up this morning to the opening lines of Morning Edition telling me that most of the miners whose story we followed yesterday, with less and less hope, had died and the horrifying story of those families, already experiencing horror, suffering the grief and trauma after believing that their loved ones had been found alive, and so the horrible feeling from my nightmare returned and hasn’t left me since. I feel as if I will burst into tears and dissolve any minute now.