I always thought you couldn't miss what you never had but I do, I miss it all the goddamn time and I don't know why she has to rub my face in it
it's one thing to not care and it's one thing to be dismissive and cold and surly but it is quite another to pretend and fake, and she puts on this fucking dog-and-pony show so the rest of the world knows what a good mother she is, and to me it's all 'I did the best I could' and 'Here, do you need money?' as if that could make up for all the rest of it, as if that could even fucking dent it
I know the score at this point, I'm not blind
she would love for me to move so far away that she doesn't have to feel guilty for never visiting me
she would love for me to scream and shout and cut her out of my life so she can shake her head and be the victim and shed those bullshit crocodile tears over her ungrateful offspring
she has been looking for an excuse to abandon me
more somehow
but as long as she sends me an email every few months that mentions how she Loves me, because capitalizing it will make it true, she doesn't have to think about what she's done and what she hasn't done
at least if both my parents were dead I could maintain the delusion that she really did give two shits about me and was proud of me and there for me and I could have some kind of concrete loss to heal
but instead it goes like this: I can't take it and I call her out - mom, you're a drunk, mom, you're weak-minded and insane, mom, you're depressed, mom, you're a fucking bigot and a sheep and it makes me
sick, mom, you'll do anything for a man to treat you like shit, mom, you have a
problem and you need to get
help - and she hangs the phone up in my face and we don't speak for six months, and finally I crack and write her an email that enumerates every grievance, tells her the 'tough' things she doesn't want to hear, and I head to her apartment to have a heart-to-heart and we cry and embrace even though I have told her to her face that I don't love her, that she doesn't deserve it, and I really feel like she understands and despite my best efforts I start to think we might have a real relationship, at least a tenuous friendship based on bills, and before I know it I am expecting her to act like a real mother and do things to
show me that she cares about me instead of just pledging it endlessly over email, and then something comes up, the perfect opportunity to cement this growing bond and and and she
dumps me, disappoints me in the
most poignant and heartbreaking way
possible, each time hurting me in a new place, places I didn't even think I had nerves and I can't take it and I call her out and she jumps ship and we don't speak for six months and
you'd think I would wise the fuck up
I don't know what part of me doesn't get it
maybe I'm overreacting a little this time
but I can't fucking believe she didn't call
she didn't call
she didn't even email
And the worst thing about the whole cycle
I fall for it every. single. time.
