i'm not sure that i am going to be able to pull this off. i am in way over my head and i am stuck more completely than i've ever been before. i wasn't supposed to end up being more stuck after all this. i was supposed to find a kind of freedom and be able to do whatever i thought needed to be done. but now, im worse off than ever. nothing got taken care of, i am still feeling the same tumultuous feelings, and i will never have another chance to address them. i have completely fucked myself on this issue and it serves me right. it's about time other people stopped getting fucked over by it.

it just fucking sucks. i handled things wrong and it's my fault and no one else's, and i am mad at myself for not thinking far enough ahead to give myself options. i am right back where i started but with fewer choices i could make. dammit.