I love it when you call me in the morning while you are driving to work. Usually I haven't been awake long and you're already on my mind. It is nice to know I'm on yours, too. I feel like I could get used to starting my day to the sound of your voice.

excerpt

...'Oh, yes,' she said. 'That's right, bitch. Show me how much you want it,' and she came forward with that bottle. It was gleaming a bit, with water sparkling along its sides. I wondered how much of it would fit inside me. When Christa reached the bed, she slipped her free hand under me and slapped my upraised ass, which drew a sound from me that was undeniably wanton. 'Good,' she said, more softly. 'Very good'...

dirty sex

I miss curling and listening to The Get Up Kids with you
I miss getting pancakes at 3 in the morning with you
I miss the e-mails and fantasizing about you
I miss feeling you inbetween my fingers
I miss making plans that we never get to finish
I've got a lot though

it's 80 degrees in this apartment, the a/c is broken and there's no breeze from the window. sticky sticky sticky and the one thing that would have made this alright isn't happening. what can you do?

In the past couple months, before every first date I've gone on, my mind always...I can't even get it out. fuck man. something about thinking it will be the last. I think I'm looking for something I can't find. And whenever it doesn't work, I start thinking about girls from my past and the great things about them. I'm not so worried. It's just a perspective I've never had before. Funny shit is though the two of us ended up at a YouTube party tonight with people performing who had been featured on YouTube. I don't think anyone with under a quarter of a million hits was allowed to perform. Wow! Fucking Internet Superstars. All in all hilarious.

for reasons unknown

"Did you know that Walt Whitman used to give himself fake write-ups, print them under alias names, and quote papers that didn't exist to try and sell his book? When he got busted on it once, his explanation was simple and true. 'I meant every bit of praise about my book,' he said, 'but if I used my real name everyone would say that I felt that way only because it was my book.'"
-Dito Montiel, A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints

STOP GODDAMN EMAILING ME ABOUT THE REVIEW SESSION!!!! I WILL GODDAMN TELL YOU WHERE IT IS AS SOON AS I HAVE A GODDAMN ROOM SCHEDULED FOR THE GODDAMN REVIEW!!!! AND FOR HOLY FUCK'S SAKE STOP EMAILING THE PROFESSOR DIRECTLY ABOUT IT OR I AM GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU OR POSSIBLY TELL YOU INCORRECT ANSWERS THAT YOUR GREEDY LITTLE BLANK-ASS FACES WILL GOBBLE UP LIKE NUGGETS OF TURKISH DELIGHT, THINKING I AM TELLING YOU WHAT'S ON THE TEST.

GODDDDDDDAMMMMIT.

INCOHERENT SCREAMING AND SCREAMING AND SCREAMING

Maybe if you would Stop Fucking Whining about how much work this is and just started Doing The Work you would find out that it is not really that bad, and that you are a moron. There are people who have to spend 8 to 10 hours every day working in boiling hot rooms risking their limbs and eyebrows pouring metal for the money they need to support themselves and their families. There are people who have to spend long shifts on their feet scrubbing pots and pans and dirty silverware while management screams at them to go faster for the money they need to support themselves. You get to sit on your ass at a computer and think and go to meetings and you get paid for that. You should just be thankful that no one seems to care that I'm doing all your work and keep your mouth shut if you disagree with me about something that IT IS STUPID TO DISAGREE WITH ME ABOUT BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS GOING TO WIN BECAUSE I AM SO MUCH MORE INTELLIGENT THAN YOU.

Stop telling everyone how much I am teaching you. Obviously I'm not teaching you anything because you keep giving people the wrong answers, false information, and ridiculous platitudes that are going to hurt them in the long run and I keep having to fucking fix that, as well.

And another thing. Please don't ever mention your ex-husband's gilfriends panty shitstains, your dildo, or your Lord Jesus Christ to me again.

My Vagina Is On Strike

In the last month my vagina has cavernously and mysteriously disappeared two different condoms off my partner's weiner, forcing me to take the morning after pill two different times in my last two menstrual cycles. Also forcing me to send a reconaissance team of fingers all the way up to my damned uterus to retrieve each of them.

I think it is mad about the condom thing, because the other day I accidentally peed a little on the bathroom rug because I wasn't paying attention to how hard I was peeing in the toilet and I shifted how I was sitting.

Shhhhhh. I am going to tell people it was the cat if they ask.